Living, Waiting, Hoping

My life is full of love and hope.
Bo: We are having a conversation!
Me: Yes we are.
Bo: Once upon a time, there was a little steam engine. It crashed. Into Miss Jeanine's store. And there was a fire. And Corbin was hurt. He had to go to the hospital in an emergency vehicle.

He's three. He's amazing. He has a chronic, life-threatening condition. Every time his pumps start beeping, my heart races, I break out into a cold sweat, and I think how close we are to losing him. Then I think, well, any child could walk into traffic. Or fall off a bike. Or eat a battery. But. It is like I watch Bo walking down the centerline of an undivided highway. Every day. Every. Single. Day. His chances of disaster are much higher than your average toddler.

So I put my existential panic in perspective. Readjust the focus. And soldier on. One slow foot after the other. Feeling, and re-imagining the feel of his soft hot hand on my arm. The small, sweet kisses. The weight of his body as I carry him down the stairs. Those irreplaceable sensations drifting onto my heart everyday like Christmas. The sound of baby Ahn's newfound giggle. Her whole-body smile. The feel of her soft, cool cheek against mine. I will never get enough of that. Please let me have these presents every day. Every day is Christmas here. And I step one foot in front, then behind. forward, backward. Lingering in This Today. Slowly. Luxuriating in the Today we have Today. Only touching the edge of our sea of Tomorrows.