I don’t like posting about me, so that’s my excuse for not updating. My next excuse is that Bo has been fairly stable, which is also mostly true. And my made-up list of excuses could go on.
The real reason I haven’t updated is embarrassment. And confusion.
I was on an unplanned 8 month sabbatical when my last position was eliminated in December (right after that last post, actually, almost a week to the day). I won’t feel too sorry for myself, as the circumstances provided for a lump-sum severance, which is definitely better than a punch in the nose, and COBRA.
Since we live in a rust-belt city, the cost of living is blessedly humane, and between the severance, unemployment benefits and COBRA, we were able to keep things afloat. Always take advantage of unemployment benefits; as a working individual, you’ve been paying into that system with every paycheck, so if you find yourself suddenly downsized, it really is there for you. I know I’ve been paying into this pot for the last 22 years, at least.
The other fun thing that happened, was that I went septic twice, during the year, the second time 10 days after the downsizing fiasco.
So my head wasn’t right. My stress was high. My body was making the panic hormones. I think I went a little crazy. I spent a lot of time on prayer, meditation, introspection, therapy, and binging Brooklyn Nine-Nine.
I’ve finally started working again. We didn’t have to move. Omegaven* was approved (FINALLY!). And Bo started middle school.
*I had to look it up myself, just to prove it to myself that it is approved. Go ahead, go to drugs@fda.com and search “Omegaven.” I’ll wait. Chills, right? Also, don’t get too excited. It’s not on any of the insurance company's formularies, yet. Fresenius Kabi is still negotiating a reimbursement rate with each of the carriers. I’m hoping this is finalized and in the formularies by January 1.
Bo is in orchestra and drama every day. He’s been walking home on his own, most days. We got him a dumb phone that he texts me, letting me know his whereabouts. He can tie his own shoes (finally). He did develop a touch of tachycardia (so he’s wearing a heart monitor for the last 2 of 4 weeks). But all told, it was a medically uneventful summer.
Both his nurses from elementary school have followed him to middle school. They have their own teachers’ room at the back of the computer room. I sent them a beanbag chair for Bo and a gift card to decorate.
What I realized through each of those uncertain days, and today, is how very lucky we are, and how very grateful we are to have Bo, as he is. We summoned him into this world. And even though his physical body incubated inside my womb, his development and existence made a new creature of me- I did become a mother.
And I can unequivocally say that this iteration of my self is an improvement on the last version. I still don’t have a purpose or direction. I am definitely fluffier and older, a bit wrinkled and lumpy, maybe with some bits glued together or pieces clumsily duct taped in place. A bit worse for the wear, shall we say. Maybe not even really any more motherly than I’ve ever been. But maybe more empathic, kinder, less harsh. More capable of holding a multitude of competing opinions and feelings in both hands at once, without dismissing the other. A bit more capable of some generosity towards even myself.
