As the Chinese Lunar New Year approaches, I have been reflecting on the last year and all the miracles we have witnessed, along with all the forgiving I need to prepare to do to clear my emotional register for the new year. Forgiving myself for being too hard on us for not being perfect. Forgiving of the U of M doctors for operating from a place of sobriety due to experience, instead of soaring hope (what we needed). Forgiving of Bo for being so cute that we are spoiling him out of control. Forgiving of Murray the Cat for getting sick amidst all the Bo frenzy.
Now that Bo is stable and developing, it is hard to remember how terrifying it was walking into the NICU every morning those first few weeks. Wondering if he would still be in his crib, or if his room would be empty. Wondering if we would still have a need for the carseat sitting empty in our back seat, and how I would have the strength to remove it, if I no longer had a Bo to seat in it. Wondering who else would have the strength to pack up all the baby gifts and clothes and furniture, because I knew if it came to that, I wouldn't. Those were the longest, darkest nights. And I know our stays in the hospital are far from over, but none will contain the mind-crushing terror of those mornings.
I am so grateful to have Bo with us for another amazing day. I am so grateful that we had those mornings to remind me to be grateful. I am grateful I never had to take the carseat out, or find someone to pack the nursery. And grateful it was only 5 weeks in the hospital and not 5 months, like a lot of other short gut kids, or 5 years, like the older MVID kids. And as I pray that Bo does not develop additional pathologies, I am still grateful for these last eight months. And I know that now I do have the strength to face the future, whatever darkness or sweetness the days ahead hold for us.
I just cover his big chubby head in kisses till it stinks from my saliva. I kiss and smooch and blow raspberries until he yells. And I noticed I only just started doing this after Christmas. I don't think I really kissed him all that much before then. I think all those terrible nights and terror-filled mornings just made me try to harden my heart. Those early months, we just did not know if he would actually make it to his hundred day birthday, or Christmas, or January 1st, or his first birthday. We are actually planning his first birthday. What a miracle.
Thank you for joining us on this new path that Bo has led us towards. Thanks for reading.
