Praise God that you have not been left to the darkness and ignorance which continued prosperity might have involved...

I was wistfully contemplating the easy, shallow life I had been leading. So full of promise, and abundance. Unacknowledged blessings and privilege.

Now I walk around with this gaping cleft in my heart. My damn bleeding heart. And I can see the lovingkindness in the world through my new eyes.

Buy oh Lordy, the other me? I would have been a skinny enviable bee-yotch; double income, no kids. Elbowing my way into a corner office.

I wouldn't trade Bo for any of that. Just in my fantasy on the way to a meeting with the parent 2 parent coordinator, as we scheme ways to provide support to families with kids on tubies in the area. I think about my alternate life. The other me. Sigh.

Ha!

My Own Private Snow White

My brain, the fragile beauty that fell into a deep dreamless sleep, awakens to motherhood, corporate intrigue and nuclear meltdown.

I'm sure there could have been better circumstances to regain my cognition, but better late than never, right?

Also, the Adventure Project exceeded their $10k/24hour goal and get the matching funds.

Water, water everywhere...

www.TheAdventureProject.causevox.com

The above is a picture of Bo, only a few days old. We did not know what was wrong, only that something was terribly wrong. He looked like all the babies who die of bad water, only we knew he didn't have a waterborne illness.

It turns out that water is a subject very specifically close to my heart. Not only am I a microbiologist by training, but I did work in infectious diseases.

Water is an issue for our troops. It is an issue for our babies. It is something that Bo can only have limited amounts of, but that he craves. It is something that kills 4000 children daily: more than malaria, measles and AIDS combined. In my very sick child's eyes, I saw what those mothers are seeing every day. An unknowable and unrelenting grief.

I'm coming out of my pain for the second time. Having another baby reminded me of all we went through the first time. So for all those mothers who need a child that lives, to heal their hearts, to limit this suffering, I'm dedicating today's blog to world water day. Go to their link and fund the training of local people who will fix the broken wells in India, so their children can have clean water, so they can earn a living and fix more wells and send those children to school.

If 100 bloggers can raise $10,000 in 24 hours, The Prem Rawat Foundation will match it. Every $20 fixes enough handpumps to keep 3 people in clean water. So, here's the link...

www.TheAdventureProject.causevox.com

Kiss Them, They're Irish

No really. They're maternal grandmother is a Gilfoyle. Doesn't get more Irish than that.

I love the crying pix. They just crack me up. I'm not being mean, really. It's just so funny how dramatic they are.

I'm feeling the PTSD finally wearing off, and am wondering if my cognitive function will ever fully recover. My docs claim they will, but after being crippled for so long, I am skeptical. But, if my brain is working well enough for skepticism to register, I guess that is a good sign. It's humbling to lose control over the one thing you so prided yourself, and yet remain loved, unwaveringly. I am so grateful.

More Todays

When Bo was a baby, we watched and weighed every ounce he gained. I agonized over every milestone, dreading each month and each milestone that slipped or squeaked by. Looking back, I remember spending way more time soothing him to sleep than I should have. Aching feet, peaceful baby, lullabies and the sun fading in the window. I savored those moments, knowing there would not necessarily be many more. But still wishing away those baby days, wishing him to grow up. Just grow up. Don't leave us with just your baby words. I need to know you better before you go. And now he is a big boy.

And then there was Ahn. She has grown so fast that I can't believe how heavy and tall she already is. I barely remember her being a baby. She is as big at 8 months as Bo was at 16 months. Baby Ahn stood up for the first time yesterday.

The day before that, I walked into her room in the morning to feed her and she said, "EAT!" No mistaking the word. First, dadada, then momomomomom, next EAT and finally, yesterday, she said, "Bo!"

Best February Weekend Ever

We spent Saturday morning at Binnslandia and Bo built his first snowman, had his first snowball fight, went sledding and even shoveled the driveway like a snowplow! Lunch wasn't bad either (thanks, Maggie!). So many things I never did expect to see. The seed of my heart has been cracked open again and a sprout of green is growing through, like Baby Ahn's two bottom teeth.

I got to cruise through downtown K'zoo with both kids strapped into my double decker stroller.

I built a snowman in the front yard for kicks and my driving gloves are still cold and clammy (so much for sponteneity).

Words for Toddlers

How do you describe the difference between darkness and shadow? How do you explain the nuance of animated discussion of an annoying topic versus an actual argument?

"Stop talking grumpy, Mommy!"
"It's dark now" as we walk into the shade.

I'm no longer driving to work in what feels like the middle of the night. Soupy grey mornings seem so bright and cheery compared to the drive to work shrouded in secrecy and darkness. I'm trying to live wholeheartedly, embracing the vulnerability, finding my superpowers.