Gestation Redux

All told, I am feeling well, and continue to marvel at how lucky we are. Above are 9 and 10 week shots of "Baby Present," as Bo affectionately refers to it.

But the day-to-day behind my gratitude is a cascade of complex emotions: conflicted, anxious, exhausted; hopeful, grateful, contented. I see this picture of myself, 6 weeks pregnant with Bo, fit, happy and expectant. Today, at 19 weeks, there are times when the worry and fear leave me breathless (well, that and just the sheer size!). An age has passed.

It is scientific fact that I am and have been bathed in a sea of hormones which certainly has an effect. But it is also true that the gauntlet we have travelled from that sunny regatta day to this has been fraught with its own set of unforseen and unimagineable anguish and triumph. And that time's accompanying elevated cortisol levels. And sleepless nights, and tearful days. And moments of wretchedness and relief. While I wouldn't trade a moment of this life, I certainly wouldn't recommend it as a way to preserve your youth.

We are changed forever. And I have lost forever those days of unfettered, carefree joy. I have finally arrived at my adulthood, burnished, polished, glowing.

All Quiet

So, I'm having a mental block and just can't get pictures up. I figured a shout out to the world that all is quiet and well would be good just about now. Bo is sleeping peacefully. We've been approved for another 3 months of nursing care. Jose's got a sculpture entered in CCS' alumni show. And all the pre-natal testing has come back so far as normal. I'm at 17 weeks (but as big as 25!!) and am past the morning sickness and terrible fatigue. Now I'm just hampered by my size.

Pix From Hawaii (Oct)

I know, I'm behind on posting pix. Sorry. But to ally anyone's anxiety about the last post referring to inpatient infusions: no worries, this is just a precautionary measure in case Bo experiences an allergic reaction to the infusion. As with all medications for children, the toxicities and dosing are usually done off-label. The liability and study design to include children on a label are just to high and complex for any pharmaceutical company to openly pursue out-right. So, what usually happens is the pediatricians and pediatric specialists just have to guess and hope it works. I know. Scary. But what can you do? Anyway, by the time a product is on the market in the US, those safety issues are usually very well documented. And then, after it's been used in the pediatric population for a long time and there's a lot of data from its use on the market, a company will THEN apply to include children on the label. More to the point, Bo's infusions are so low risk that we usually just check into the floor, get him hooked up and go straight to the playroom, returning only to watch some Thomas Train DVDs that Child Life has brought by. They only do vitals before we hook him up and right before we leave. But it's a good precaution in case something does happen. And, hopefully, after the 6th one they will let us do these from home.

Merry Christmas!!

Eating is still sporadic, but sometimes, Bo is quite enthusiastic!

The Hugeness!

Sing Along

Gearing Up

How is it that I'm gearing up as the year is winding down. All the anticipation of the holidays has me paralyzed this year. While I appreciate the mellowness of Hannukah: candles, potato pancakes, one simple prayer; trying to explain to a 2 year old that the every-night-a-present thing is over is a bit trickier task. Thankfully we are deflecting that with the promise of Christmas. Which probably means nothing to a person who has no sense of time (see bedtime rituals, and pushover parents; jk). I have to admit that I'm a little afraid of what 2010 will bring. When Bo was born, we were told that he would not be here by now. And I just could not bring myself to plan past 2009 in any concrete way (outside of my obsessive financial planning- which also hit an existential crisis: how many dependents go into our assumptions? what about a college fund? we started one, but it was half-hearted and a little thin to start). Our whole over-doing it with toys and books had a certain urgency, with the dark underlying thoughts of impending silence. Where my girlfriends were buying clothes a year in advance at clearance sales, I did not have the heart to shop for things that might go unused. Now we are paying for our prudence, wading ruefully through trains and puzzles clogging the living room, finding all his pants have become high-waters, reassessing the thinly funded pre-school saving. Now we are scheduling pre-school tours (my god, they are expensive!) and re-prioritizing home rehab/maintenance projects. I am dreading the trip to Ann Arbor; they just royally mess with the kid's sleep habits. But excited for Bo to spend the day with his GungGung and PoPo. I am being scolded for not dressing the boy in clothes that fit, but find delight in the good fortune of everyday parenting that I was warned would not be ours to have.

As usual, our Xmas cards will be late. I'll just have to post and send e-cards this year. Or something. I admit, if it weren't for our desire to show Umich how well Bo was doing, the last 2 years' cards may never have been sent at all. The same feeling is probably driving the production of this year's, too.

These pix are from our visit with the F-squared family in Hawaii. They are so awesome. We are so glad we got to spend as much time with them as we did!